Our research has delineated 16 basic human needs, one of which is relevant to explaining why couples stop talking: Independence, the need for self-reliance.
Many married people complain their partner is reluctant to share feelings or to talk about the relationship in an emotionally supportive manner. Often this problem can be understood in terms of an incompatibility in the need for Independence. The partner who seeks more emotional support may have a weak need for Independence, whereas the partner who avoids emotional closeness may have a strong need for Independence. As measured by the Reiss Motivation Profile® (RMP), the intrinsic motive of Independence can be thought of as a continuum anchored at one end by the values of self-reliance and individuality and — at the other end — by the values of interdependence and collaboration.
People with a strong need for Independence prefer to make their own decisions, place great value on their personal freedom, and rarely seek advice from others. These individuals dislike being in need of other people, including loved ones, and thus may limit their emotional closeness with others. Since they do not want to acknowledge they need assistance at times, some independent people may even be reluctant to express gratitude for favors.
In contrast, people with a weak desire for Independence are comfortable trusting others to meet their needs. These interdependent individuals value teamwork, welcome psychological support particularly when making decisions, and tend to dislike displays of individuality. They typically are sensitive to the feelings of others and enjoy sharing their own emotions with close family and friends.
In a romantic relationship consisting of an independent person and an interdependent person, both partners are motivated to gratify their own need, thereby frustrating the need of their partner. The independent individual is motivated toward self-reliance, which may include limiting the extent of emotional dependence on their partner. For example, the independent partner may minimize how much they disclose about their innermost feelings. The interdependent individual, on the other hand, is motivated toward collaborative decision making and emotional closeness, which make the independent person uncomfortable.
Self-hugging — the tendency to think our own values are best, not just for ourselves, but for everyone — explains why independent and interdependent partners cannot appreciate the other person's need. The independent partner, believing everyone should strive for self-reliance, views the interdependent partner as "weak" because they depend too much on other people. The interdependent partner who values emotional closeness perceives the independent partner as being "closed off" because they are unable to express their feelings. Each partner thinks their lifestyle is best, and each thinks there is something wrong with the other person.
Given that the conflict is a difference in core values, the couple may quarrel repeatedly over issues of emotional closeness, stubbornness, and dependency. Unfortunately, if they become tired of this chronic conflict, they may simply stop talking.