The month of June, at least in the United States, is a popular month for weddings. As a result, news articles often appear at this time of year on the topic of what makes for a successful marriage. For example, Maggie Penman's recent article in the Washington Post, How to Stay Happy in a Relationship, offered advice based on her interviews with a number of long-married couples. Relationship compatibility is an important issue, given the number of marriages that end in divorce. In the USA the divorce rate is about 33%, while the rates in European countries range from a high of 55% for Norway and Finland to a low of 15% for Ireland.
A popular myth is that "opposites attract." The vast majority of scientific studies on the issue of relationship compatibility, though, have shown that similarities are the key to a solid relationship. The more similar two people are, the more likely they will get along. This holds true in any relationship including for romantic couples.
But what similarities are important? Family background? Social status? Income? Educational history? Career path? Hobbies? Athletic abilities? Food preferences? Musical tastes?
According to Professor Steven Reiss, what binds people together are shared values. The Reiss Motivation Profile® provides a comprehensive assessment of an individual's basic desires and the core values associated with those motives. When two people are matched on a basic desire, they share the same value, generally understand one another, and tend to think positively about each other. Mismatched desires on the RMP, however, motivate conflicts of values.
Consider this example. One basic desire assessed by the RMP is Independence, or the desire for self-reliance. People with a strong need for self-reliance value personal freedom, while those with a weak need for this motive value collaboration. Partners with opposite needs for Independence are likely to argue about issues such as emotional support and/or stubbornness. The independent partner tends to have difficulty compromising, often resists joining groups as a means of maintaining their self-reliance, and likes to make decisions on their own without consulting others. In contrast, the interdependent partner typically is open to compromise, values the sense of support that group membership affords, and prefers to base decisions on a consensus reached through discussion.
Professor Reiss believed some conflicts are more easily managed than others. For example, partners who have opposite needs for the RMP motive of Physical Activity can agree that the partner who values muscle exercise will work out at a fitness center, while the other partner enjoys a more sedentary activity during this time. On the other hand, some differences in core values are not easy to resolve. A mismatch on the RMP Family motive has no solution that accommodates the needs of both partners. You cannot have half a child or have a child for only half the time. Similarly, partners with opposing needs for RMP Honor may never be able to compromise on the importance of being faithful.
The Gottman Institute has estimated that 69% of all conflicts are perpetual. Couples who argue about orderliness generally argue about issues of cleanliness and neatness throughout their marriage. Couples who disagree about the importance of saving money have this same disagreement over and over again. Couples with differing views on work-life balance continue to differ on how much time should be spent on work versus leisure. These conflicts are the result of mismatched values associated with the RMP motives of Order, Saving, and Power, respectively. Further, these conflicts are chronic because our core values generally remain stable throughout our lifespan.
So, what marriage advice can be gleaned from The Science of Motivation®?
For those not in a relationship:
Look for a partner who shares the core values of most importance to you.
Avoid relationships in which you and the potential partner have opposing values on issues where compromise is not possible — for example, the decision whether or not to have children.
For those already in a relationship:
What core values are most important to you in a relationship?